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On Generosity
Apr. 13th, 2024 11:09 amI do kind things. I truly do believe that I do. This is a one of the few facts about myself that I don't call into question. But generous? That's different. After all — what counts as generous?
Is it generosity to be prodigal with something of low worth? I would argue (as I believe many would) that a hundred dollar donation from someone working class is more generous than a thousand from someone rich. After all the personal value of a dollar scales inversely with the amount you have.
So. Do *I* have worth? Do *I* have value? (Okay yes stupid question; everyone I know would have a quick and clear answer but roll with me here). Can I be generous without it?
I recently "joked" (yes, I know it wasn't funny) with my girlfriend and asked what I would be without my self loathing. She listed off quite a few things but I got stuck on generous. I... just can't conceptualise myself as generous. I do things for people. Offer them time, experiences, food, love. I like helping the people I like (and at times the people I don't really know). But, how is that generous?
Anyone who knows me knows I really don't think much of my self usually. I typically waffle between "I'm okay, no better than average" and "I am an absolute piece of garbage who drags down everyone who knows me." If generosity is based to at least a degree on worth then how can I be generous?
It continuously seem to be that every negative element of myself, upon examination, turns out to be an outgrown of my low self worth. I can't feel generous and neither can I (easily) accept generosity. After all what did I do to deserve it?
I'm going to be trying to add one thing I like about myself to my three daily gratitudes because this is absurd. No one should cut themselves off from an entire piece of their humanity. I'm hoping this can be a slow building up of my own internal value. I'm hoping this will move me in the right direction.
Is it generosity to be prodigal with something of low worth? I would argue (as I believe many would) that a hundred dollar donation from someone working class is more generous than a thousand from someone rich. After all the personal value of a dollar scales inversely with the amount you have.
So. Do *I* have worth? Do *I* have value? (Okay yes stupid question; everyone I know would have a quick and clear answer but roll with me here). Can I be generous without it?
I recently "joked" (yes, I know it wasn't funny) with my girlfriend and asked what I would be without my self loathing. She listed off quite a few things but I got stuck on generous. I... just can't conceptualise myself as generous. I do things for people. Offer them time, experiences, food, love. I like helping the people I like (and at times the people I don't really know). But, how is that generous?
Anyone who knows me knows I really don't think much of my self usually. I typically waffle between "I'm okay, no better than average" and "I am an absolute piece of garbage who drags down everyone who knows me." If generosity is based to at least a degree on worth then how can I be generous?
It continuously seem to be that every negative element of myself, upon examination, turns out to be an outgrown of my low self worth. I can't feel generous and neither can I (easily) accept generosity. After all what did I do to deserve it?
I'm going to be trying to add one thing I like about myself to my three daily gratitudes because this is absurd. No one should cut themselves off from an entire piece of their humanity. I'm hoping this can be a slow building up of my own internal value. I'm hoping this will move me in the right direction.
