If I'm not perfect I'm bad
Jul. 17th, 2024 02:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
helendestroy"I don't want an excuse".
I am unsure as to why this is a lesson from my youth onto which I latched but I certainly have with vigor. My intent, my feelings, the reason why I have done something or what the cause of a certain situation arising don't matter. My actions themselves matter and how someone was affected matters. That's all. Any explanation on my part is simply trying to make myself look better.
"I don't want an excuse".
I heard this multiple times from teachers and professors and when I tried to say that I am not excusing myself, simply trying to explain myself, I was told it didn't matter. Over time I believe this became conflated in my mind. If I try to explain myself, I *MUST* be trying to excuse myself. After all, that's what I kept hearing from authority figures.
"I don't want an excuse".
I do wonder if this was somewhat reinforced by elements of online culture. After all the internet is (one place) nuance goes to die. I never did Reddit or Tumblr and while I did spend time on the hellsite (Twitter) I specifically avoided "discourse". Yet still I saw plenty of A or B, yes or no binary thinking. I think it may have been a bit reinforcing. If I wasn't good, if I messed up, then I was bad. My internal state didn't matter.
"I don't want an excuse".
This drove me into harmful patterns. How I feel doesn't matter so I'm not going to explain my understanding of a conflict in which I'm involved. I am just going to accept that I messed up and deserve whatever comes to me as a result. I will not communicate how I feel or what I meant or, or, or. But not communicating is still communicating. This is at best passively unhelpful and at worst actively harmful.
"I don't want an excuse".
It took being explicitly told by someone that no, they did want to know my intent, and my feelings. That how I felt and I was meaning mattered for me to start getting past this. Just saying "I fucked up and I don't get to say or decide anything" isn't accountability it's abdication of responsibility.
I may have been repeatedly told (directly or not) that an explanation was the same an excuse but it isn't. And for my sake, for the sake of everyone I care about, I need to remember that it isn't. "If I'm not perfect I'm bad" is no mantra by which to live.
I am unsure as to why this is a lesson from my youth onto which I latched but I certainly have with vigor. My intent, my feelings, the reason why I have done something or what the cause of a certain situation arising don't matter. My actions themselves matter and how someone was affected matters. That's all. Any explanation on my part is simply trying to make myself look better.
"I don't want an excuse".
I heard this multiple times from teachers and professors and when I tried to say that I am not excusing myself, simply trying to explain myself, I was told it didn't matter. Over time I believe this became conflated in my mind. If I try to explain myself, I *MUST* be trying to excuse myself. After all, that's what I kept hearing from authority figures.
"I don't want an excuse".
I do wonder if this was somewhat reinforced by elements of online culture. After all the internet is (one place) nuance goes to die. I never did Reddit or Tumblr and while I did spend time on the hellsite (Twitter) I specifically avoided "discourse". Yet still I saw plenty of A or B, yes or no binary thinking. I think it may have been a bit reinforcing. If I wasn't good, if I messed up, then I was bad. My internal state didn't matter.
"I don't want an excuse".
This drove me into harmful patterns. How I feel doesn't matter so I'm not going to explain my understanding of a conflict in which I'm involved. I am just going to accept that I messed up and deserve whatever comes to me as a result. I will not communicate how I feel or what I meant or, or, or. But not communicating is still communicating. This is at best passively unhelpful and at worst actively harmful.
"I don't want an excuse".
It took being explicitly told by someone that no, they did want to know my intent, and my feelings. That how I felt and I was meaning mattered for me to start getting past this. Just saying "I fucked up and I don't get to say or decide anything" isn't accountability it's abdication of responsibility.
I may have been repeatedly told (directly or not) that an explanation was the same an excuse but it isn't. And for my sake, for the sake of everyone I care about, I need to remember that it isn't. "If I'm not perfect I'm bad" is no mantra by which to live.
