"I don't want an excuse".

I am unsure as to why this is a lesson from my youth onto which I latched but I certainly have with vigor. My intent, my feelings, the reason why I have done something or what the cause of a certain situation arising don't matter. My actions themselves matter and how someone was affected matters. That's all. Any explanation on my part is simply trying to make myself look better.

"I don't want an excuse".

I heard this multiple times from teachers and professors and when I tried to say that I am not excusing myself, simply trying to explain myself, I was told it didn't matter. Over time I believe this became conflated in my mind. If I try to explain myself, I *MUST* be trying to excuse myself. After all, that's what I kept hearing from authority figures.

"I don't want an excuse".

I do wonder if this was somewhat reinforced by elements of online culture. After all the internet is (one place) nuance goes to die. I never did Reddit or Tumblr and while I did spend time on the hellsite (Twitter) I specifically avoided "discourse". Yet still I saw plenty of A or B, yes or no binary thinking. I think it may have been a bit reinforcing. If I wasn't good, if I messed up, then I was bad. My internal state didn't matter.

"I don't want an excuse".

This drove me into harmful patterns. How I feel doesn't matter so I'm not going to explain my understanding of a conflict in which I'm involved. I am just going to accept that I messed up and deserve whatever comes to me as a result. I will not communicate how I feel or what I meant or, or, or. But not communicating is still communicating. This is at best passively unhelpful and at worst actively harmful.

"I don't want an excuse".

It took being explicitly told by someone that no, they did want to know my intent, and my feelings. That how I felt and I was meaning mattered for me to start getting past this. Just saying "I fucked up and I don't get to say or decide anything" isn't accountability it's abdication of responsibility.

I may have been repeatedly told (directly or not) that an explanation was the same an excuse but it isn't. And for my sake, for the sake of everyone I care about, I need to remember that it isn't. "If I'm not perfect I'm bad" is no mantra by which to live.

I do kind things. I truly do believe that I do. This is a one of the few facts about myself that I don't call into question. But generous? That's different. After all — what counts as generous?

Is it generosity to be prodigal with something of low worth? I would argue (as I believe many would) that a hundred dollar donation from someone working class is more generous than a thousand from someone rich. After all the personal value of a dollar scales inversely with the amount you have.

So. Do *I* have worth? Do *I* have value? (Okay yes stupid question; everyone I know would have a quick and clear answer but roll with me here). Can I be generous without it?

I recently "joked" (yes, I know it wasn't funny) with my girlfriend and asked what I would be without my self loathing. She listed off quite a few things but I got stuck on generous. I... just can't conceptualise myself as generous. I do things for people. Offer them time, experiences, food, love. I like helping the people I like (and at times the people I don't really know). But, how is that generous?

Anyone who knows me knows I really don't think much of my self usually. I typically waffle between "I'm okay, no better than average" and "I am an absolute piece of garbage who drags down everyone who knows me." If generosity is based to at least a degree on worth then how can I be generous?

It continuously seem to be that every negative element of myself, upon examination, turns out to be an outgrown of my low self worth. I can't feel generous and neither can I (easily) accept generosity. After all what did I do to deserve it?

I'm going to be trying to add one thing I like about myself to my three daily gratitudes because this is absurd. No one should cut themselves off from an entire piece of their humanity. I'm hoping this can be a slow building up of my own internal value. I'm hoping this will move me in the right direction.